Beauty contestant and influencer Ash Parks suffered a mental health crisis in the lead-up to 2019’s Miss World. At rock bottom, she began sharing her struggles online and found that in showing up authentically, she opened a world of healing and honesty for both herself and her followers. Here, she talks about her journey from pageantry to therapy.
Ashira Paraskevas is not your typical mental health advocate. A former beauty contestant, Ash suffered a mental health crisis during the lead-up to 2019’s Miss World. The intensive grooming and fitness regime escalated her eating disorder and having made the top 10 contestants, she was more miserable and anxious than ever. As is so often the case, her healing journey began at rock bottom.
In 2020, Ash began sharing honest and raw accounts of her eating disorder, depression, BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) diagnosis and the ever-critical inner voice many of us face. She documented her mental and physical transformation in real time, divesting from the culture of beauty that would have us believe we’re not enough — cutting off most of her hair, spurning make-up and learning to love her changing body.
In documenting the highs and lows of her recovery, Ash has transformed her online persona from beauty influencer to mental health advocate, inspiring her audience of almost 95,000 with her insights into journaling, sobriety and self-empowerment. We spoke to Ash about self-agency, choosing to prioritize one’s happiness once and for all, and how doing the scary thing led her to find her purpose.
You have been very open online about your mental health journey, which is an immensely brave thing to do while you’re still figuring it out. What are some of the stories you had to let go of in order to go on this journey and be so open about it to your followers?
I had to let go of a lifetime of stigma surrounding mental health. I had to learn to be willing to show up as someone who was struggling and not simply do it in the way everyone wants it to be done, which is, mental health issues but sugar-coated.
I had to let go of the idea that going through that and talking about it meant there was something wrong with me, like I’m bad or I don’t deserve a platform. I also had to learn the line between boundaries. I had to let go of the need to be perfect, that I have to look a certain way or be a certain person in order to be loved.
Especially with the “loved” aspect. I originally used social media for validation, for feeling good enough. Showing up online perfect and beautiful, with my life together, felt like it was easier to feel worthy and get loved. And being in that state, you fear taking down those walls, because what if I don’t matter as much? Or what are people going to say? So I had to deeply learn that I am enough. People can take it or leave it and that’s okay.
It sounds like you felt stuck in that space and the only way out was to smash the whole thing up?
Yes, it was for my own mental health ultimately. Maintaining a perfect image, both in life and online, was so draining and it was affecting my mental health, and I knew it was for other people too. So I got to a point where it had to be smashed. Mostly for me, but also for others.
What advice do you have for others who may still be stuck in that space and struggling with perfectionist tendencies?
I think the fears that underlie that behaviour, which is so normalized these days, are not feeling good enough, fearing rejection, and fearing abandonment from the people who you want love from. Those fears can run how many of us live our lives. If you can challenge those fears — battle the logic of them — it gives you the strength and the self-trust to do your own thing, unapologetically.
I know it’s really hard to recognize that, to challenge it and then do it. Those steps are hard and it’s so valid for people to turn it off because it’s scary to put yourself out there. Even just to yourself. You need to feel strong enough to make those calls for yourself in your own time. It’s like bungee jumping. For me, I just got to a place where I was like, “F*ck it! I’ve got nothing to lose.” I still had all those fears, but I came to a point of honesty where I said, I don’t know who else I can be now, but myself. Because I don’t have the energy anymore.
It’s so true that everyone’s comfort zone has growing edges that are different at different times, and it’s okay to be scared and not have all the answers. You can still gently push against that edge.
Yes, exactly. I think it’s worth challenging those self-critical thoughts, no matter how edgy or weird it might be at first, and not get stuck there. Because you have to get uncomfortable eventually if you want to see what’s on the other side of that comfort zone. You can go to the edge and you can come back too. But the more you do it, the more you’ll discover.
The first post I ever shared where I was vulnerable with my mental health was related to my eating disorder. I had started to gain weight during lockdown and it was really challenging my eating disorder thoughts. That post was so hard for me. At first, I was anxiously watching the comments, but the feeling, almost immediately, became a sigh of relief. I realized, “Oh I don’t have to fake my relationship with my body. I don’t have to show up in a way that I don’t feel is real to me.”
That opened a new world of social media that I could have a positive influence on. I was personally relieved, but I was getting feedback about bringing some of that relief to other people too. I liked that. It was like this wave of relief. And it led me to keep having those honest conversations. So, in taking this step, I opened my world. Had I retreated into playing perfect, that would have been okay too, but it wouldn’t have helped me become the person I am today. It’s because of doing something that felt necessary but edgy that I saw how healing it is to be authentic and talk about the importance of that for each other. And that’s what’s most purposeful to me in life.
What self-care tool has helped you feel closest to this sense of purpose and to yourself?
The thing that helps me every single day in terms of showing up and my mental health is journaling. It brings me back in touch with myself. It allows you to trauma dump, and then be like, “Okay this is how I’m feeling. This is okay. What’s the best way to approach this?” You get the chance to hear the narrative you’re currently running, object to it and challenge yourself by considering or doing the opposite of what your narrative might want you to do.
Yesterday, I wanted to stay in bed all day and I did for a little bit, but then I was like, “Ash, you have got to get up.” And that’s because I gave myself the chance to listen to the wiser me, not the narrative me. I think developing that connection with yourself and not letting all the noise distract you can really help you remember your values and live a more aligned, purposeful life.
It’s a cheesy phrase, but I love the saying, you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink. And that’s the same with therapy; it’s amazing to have resources and support, but to live a meaningful life that’s consistent with healing and recovery, you need to drink for yourself! And you need to keep filling your cup with whatever feels right — listening to your body, your mind, and doing what you know deep down you need to do. So maybe you really do feel like you need to stay in bed all day. Great. Recognize that and give yourself some time to just do that. But also, maybe drinking the water, for you, means you need to get up.
No one is coming to save us or give us permission to live as our true selves.
Exactly. One hundred per cent. I know what’s it like to be in a place of “No, I don’t want to hear it. I don’t have a choice!” Back then, I would have been like: “I don’t choose depression!” And no one chooses anything, obviously, but at the time I didn’t want to hear that I had agency. I had to commit to recognizing my choices, without judgement, when I made them. If I stayed in bed, it’s because I chose to. If I got up, I chose to.
In my journey, a lot of self-acceptance and healing has come down to agency, taking accountability and showing up for yourself. You have to be your own life coach; you can pay an actual life coach, a therapist, but you have to do the work.
I can get a book that promises to teach me all the things, but if I don’t implement them — do the work even though it’s scary — it doesn’t matter what I read. It’s like rejecting a compliment because you don’t believe it. It’s only if you can allow yourself to just imagine it being true, and be willing to try it on, that you can absorb it. And then you don’t need to hear it again. I just think we’re here to make choices and own them.
This interview was edited for length and clarity. Find Ash on Instagram @ashparaskevas
